The Ups and Downs of Changing Your Mind

Ever change your mind?

I feel like I’m still in a pretty big season of change and with that comes a lot of situations where I’m changing my mind. I wanted to sell Charlotte, now we’re going to lease it. We wanted to keep the tiny house we’re building for our family to use, now we’re selling it. We were going to start the final renovation of our home and now we’re selling it as well. The thing is, my mind has changed because the things I long for have changed. I long for contentment and peace, but the funny thing is, I have neither.

As I sit in this very uncomfortable place of wanting something I feel is so far away, I’m being triggered by the way things use to be. My anxiousness and worry is over something I want, but my something this time isn’t a tangible thing. Before, I wanted success, which equaled money (for me). Now I want peace and contentment with my life, but those are things that take time and involve making hard decisions. I’m in a season of waiting and that is a new place for me. I don’t wait (for anything). I go and I get, but not this time. How do I wait (patiently) for the things I long for? How do I trust that they will come? How do I sit back and rely solely on my faith?

This change in my life was needed and necessary or I was going to live in purgatory of “performing” for the world and not authentically showing up for my life. With that choice comes a new birth. It’s like seeing the world for the first time, the way I see it and He gave me sight. It’s His world and I feel like I’m seeing it for the first time and I’m seeing what my life should look like and not what I was working so hard for it to be. I was reading a parenting book last night and there was a passage in there about starting something new with your kids regardless of their age. As they get older, it’s of course harder to start something new, especially if they’re not a fan of it. The point the author made was we can take a step as painful as it is sometimes or we can do nothing and become exhausted of thinking about starting. Just do something. Anything.

The last few weeks have been full of ‘one foot in front of the other’ kind of days and weeks. I went to bed dreaming of waking up and having quiet time while drinking my coffee and as soon as I woke up, the first thing I thought about was I couldn’t wait to go back to bed. Everyone who loves me and knows what I’m going through keep telling me that I can do it and if anyone could get through this, it’s me. The thing is… I’m tired of climbing mountains. I want to walk in flat fields. Not forever, but for now. I long for something that only God and myself can accomplish. I have to trust Him and lean on Him and then I have to do the work. It’s hard. Finding peace. Finding contentment. It’s funny somehow that running non-stop for almost ten years seems way easier than this.

Longings are desires and desires can control our present. I drew a line in the sand today and had to put healthy practices in place. Drinking water, setting reminders to eat (hard when I travel as much as I do), exercise, taking my supplements (I take 140 a week, so it’s a lot), devotional time and mindset time. I have to be healthy to prepare for this journey because I know He has something planned. That I’m sure of. I’m not a fan of the process if I’m being honest, but I’m faithful that there is a horizon and I will get there.

If you’re in a season of longing, I offer encouragement of finding ways to cope with the wait and find ways to focus on now. I read the other day that sometimes we’re so focused on where we’re going that we don’t recognize the beauty around us at this very moment. I’m cheering you on as I do the same for myself. Although exhausting and frustrating, we just have to take one step at a time. This is not a season of keeping up. This is a season of slowing down and learning to wait with trust and faith. There is more for us. Way more than we could ever imagine.